SOS: Save Our Sanity, Please! Canada
by redblackmood
Summary: Nothing like the Cold War to loose your mind. Poor Canadia! " I'll be your hero, Canadia!" " A very bad one, da?" Will Britannia Fist and that wine loving ninny help at all? Don't think so.
1. Boycott Democracy!

Summary: It's the Cold War Era! America and Russia are at each other's throats! See how everyone cooped with it, and how Canada found his way to not lose sanity!

Disclaimer: Don't own landmasses, history, or personifications of countries. Moving on…

_Thoughts-Italic, __**Flash Back-Bold-Italic,**_Regular talking - nothing

"Da! You have reached the home of *Russia. Would you like to become one?"

"Listen you commie bastard, I'd never be 'One' with you if my life depended on it!"

"Ah…America, for what vial things have I done to get a call from the unforsaken likes of you?" Russia said with no hint of tolerance for the capital country named America. It wasn't his fault either. The younger nation could be so obnoxious, loud, and well… a pain in the ass. At the moment, Russia and America were at a Cold War. All other nations knew to back off at the time and just let them release some #%! *$ tension, if you know what I mean.

"For one thing, you've spread your fu***in' commie virus all over the East! It's bad enough Canadia hangs out with one of them!" an irritated America declared throughout Washington, D.C.

" –I …I am?" a soft and barely audible voice said. Of course, America had mispronounced his name yet again, but there was no way to get through that thick, idiotic head of his. Poor Canada was lucky enough to be mentioned in his own three-way phone call. America was getting so paranoid about Russia, he decided it was best to have another person on the line in case the commie bastard tried to rape him on the phone. How? Canada could never understand.

'_Then again, America did try to explain it one time. Right?'_ the invisible nation pondered deep in thought.

"_**America… mind my asking, but why do you have a vegetable strainer on your head, eh?"**_

"_**Dude. Tony gave me the whole info on how people can get into your head through the phone. As long as you were something of metal on your head your completely fine. If you want, I can order one from China for you! Because I'm the hero, and the hero needs to protect the weak and defenseless like you!"**_

"_**America why do you have to be a heartless, senseless fu**in' bastard all the da**n time. Do you have to be suck an asshole-"**_

"_**What was that Cadna?"**_

"_**Oh nothing, eh! I was just saying it's mighty thoughtful of you to even think of me even though we're just good friends, e-ehh!"**_

'_That's America for you, eh,' Canada thought to himself._

Then it hit him. Was America wearing that metal hat right now!

"No duh… Can-Canland! It's Cu-*cough*- a. I'm telling you, he's out to get me! Stop hangin' around him or you'll get infected with that fu***in', dumbass, sickness called Communism! It'd be like France's Morse Code Ai# s all over again!"

"It's Canada. And his name is Cuba Ame-"

"You'll get used to the idea Amerika. You'll willingly bow down one day," Russia interrupted with his innocent, matter of fact voice. That voice would scare anyone sane, but then again this is America…

"Like hell I would! Sh! I'm happy your not coming to the Olympics! Who needs a suckish team like yours to stink up my beautiful stadium!" the enraged Mickey-De lovin' American spat.

"Well America, I'd love to beat your ass but I have actual important things to take care of right now, like furthering my boycott." Russia coolly retorted.

"Oh! And me whipping you across the field isn't on your agenda. How sad!"

"If I do remember correctly, I'd always be 'whipping you across the field', capitalist pig."

"WAIT! Russia, you're not going to the Olympics?" Canada tried to yell but only managed a high-pitched squeak.

"Commie Bastard!"

"Grease loving nationalist."

"Vodka asshole!"

"Fat excuse for a country."

"Sun Flower Hippie!"

"H-He-Hey guys don't you think you're going a little too far with this? Hello! Anyone!" Canada tried interfering in the heated/cold battle of words.

"Kolkolkolkolkolkolkol!"

"I can do that too! Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass!

-Click-

-Click-

Umm. Anyone there? Hello? Russia? America?"

"Who are you?" A sweet and curious voice in the background of phone static said.

"Hu…ugh…Canada. The one who feeds you." –Click-

A/N: * To avoid confusion for myself, I'm putting the name Russia instead of Soviet Union.

HISTORY LESSON! - In 1984, the Soviet Union announced it would boycott the next Summer Olympic Games held in Los Angeles. One less opponent for America, though!

-To anyone who reads my stories, SORRY! I might continue Ouran, but most likely not T.T

And, yeah… I suck at writing. More to come since this a joint project I started with friends…


	2. England's Not So Good Day

Chapter 2

England's Not-So-Good Day

Disclaimer: We only own the plot and our imaginations.

A Noble Prize winning book in hand and a perfectly brewed cup of Earl Grey (at least to England's taste buds) could make anyone happy. Top that day with being in a garden full of a variety of flowers in London, UK and you have what is a bright and beau-

"Eh, England~! You're looking more tacky today then usual!" France said while whipping his long hair back elegantly.

Correction. What could have been a bright and bloody glorious day.

" What the Bloody Hell do you want?" England inquired as he looked up from his book to look at the Very Incarnation of Total Perversion.

" I just came to talk. We are friends, no?"

" I'd rather be friends with Jack the Ripper!" England shouted, "Now get out!"

He hastily got up from his seat, tipping his tea over and spilling it onto his book. He pushed France away, who was muttering, " How the hell am I supposed to get out when we're already outside, you stupid permanent virgin."

" Sup' England! You're still lookin' short and bushy-browed!" America out-of-nowhere jumped in and did his trademark thumbs up.

" Oh no! What the heck are you doing here? I'm not helping you with those debts of yours again!" England shouted at the cheeseburger loving American.

America, purposely ignoring his comment said, "So, I like totally saw this video of you cheese rolling. You looked like a duck have a f**kin' seizure! Hahahahahaha!"

"Shut the hell up! What are you both doing here anyway?" England said as he walked on a stone path leading to the door Victorian styled house. Unfortunately, the others followed, unable to take a hint. The bloody git he could understand, as for the French pervert it was more out of ignorance. As he closed the door behind them while muttering some very censored words, England finally got his answer.

" Dude, you sent me an invite to your 'Fabulous Tea Party'." America held up a small envelope. " I wouldn't think you'd be fruity enough to use the f-word, but you coulda just telephoned."

An answer he wasn't pleased with.

" It's an 'invitation' not 'invite'! And what about a bloody tea party?" England asked his former charge.

" G'day, mates!" Australia came in, slamming England's door open. " I'ma here for the barbie. My koala's sick so I'ya took this lil' fella." He held up a baby kangaroo. " His name'sa Joey and his bit hoppity if you knows what I mean."

" Oh hey, look, it's the illegitimate lovechild of England and Austria," France said.

" He's not my lovechild! - And last time I checked Austria's a guy!" England yelled.

" Love between two men is so wonderfully scandalous but love is beautiful, no? How about you and me have one together? Honhonhonhonhon!"

" You sick-minded wanker!"

Meanwhile, a blurry figure across the room sat right behind America.

" I would like to be noticed, but not now Mr. Kimosaji. When people do notice me they think I'm the lovechild of those two." Canada pointed out England and France, who both at the moment were planning on having another Hundred Years War, modern sty!

" Who are you," Canada's soft, white bear replied.

" Canada. The one who feeds you." He said while sulking behind the annoying superpower in front of him. One day, he would be noticed. It'd be for something so great and no one would ever say ' He never did anything.' Isn't having practically never used a gun for anything Good enough?

Then out of the blue to add to England's frustrations and *%&$# tensions…

" Hello~! Sealand here!" Sealand came (same as Australia) in, slamming the door even further open. He skipped in with Switzerland, that sweet little sister of his, and Spain trailing behind him.

" Hola! I'm here for the fiesta!" Spain cheerfully said.

Switzerland, obliviously not wanting to be there, said, " Vook, Im vot here to stay for vour 'te partvay'. Im just here to deliver a message vrom vat money-wasten idiot." He handed England a letter. A little surprised and shocked, England quickly unfolded it and read:

'Dear The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland',

I would like to inform you that I will not be attending your, as written, 'Fabulous Tea Party' due to me not wanting to associate with those gorillas (Prussia and France, who by the way is still an ass.) To show my extreme discomfort toward this, I sent you a record of a piano piece I had selected. It is inside the envelope.

Yours truly,

Republik Osterreich or simply Austria'

England just gave an shocked look and groaned, " This is going to be a long day…"

" Hmm? Beethoven?" France said, as unknowingly to England, taken the record and played it.

" Who's that?" America laughed. He knew coming here would get his mind of a certain someone, who at the moment was actually planning mind games just for him.

During that time, all Canada could think was _" Why do I have to be surrounded by these fu**in' dumb-ass idiots? Why? I think I'm gonna lose my sanity."_

**! #$%^&*()! $$%^&* (A badass line. Yeah, I know. I suck.)**

**A**.N. Notes 

-Ok, first off I didn't write this. Like I said, it's a group project. But the writer (Wolfster 14) and me would like to point out… Last time you checked, Britain?

Two: My friends and I are having a debate about the pairings in the story:

Me: America & Russia, England & France, and Canada with no one but his dissolving sanity. I don't see how America is paired with England, cause it's like incest with your brother/dad who watched you grow up and stuff. Yeah, it would be cute 'Forbidden Brotherly Love' like Ouran High S.H.C., but that's just kind of over the top.

Wolfster 14: America & England, France & Canada, and Russia & China. She is a total yaoi fangirl when it comes to America & England! Russia is just paired with China because he's on top of him, Geographically Speaking! Wolfster just paired Canada with France because he's half French and has Quebec. Huh.

Other friends yet to be introduced: No one. They don't understand what yaoi is.

Thanks to who ever read this long A.N. Thingy! Comment if you want. Send in your choice of these pairings. Bye~! For now.


	3. Stupid Flopnik

Stupid Flopnik

Disclaimer: Don't own it. Most certainly never will. ~Oh well!

[Insert a line]

" Oh, wow. It seems Russia has gotten an actual satellite up and running in space. The bloody thing is known as Sputnik. Great. I bet any minute now the bloody Git is going to burst through that door yelling something about Russia stalking him from outer space," England muttered.

At the moment he was at some nation's house, 'visiting' (just hiding out from everyone else who decided to point a gun at him). Their house was so quiet and peaceful; it was perfect for catching up on reading. It was rumored that the host nation was not involved in the Cold War at all but instead was trying to go for a world record for a tin soldier. This fact just added to the reason why England just needed to 'visit' this person and see for himself. He just couldn't quite place what his name was or where he was for that matter…

" Oui. But you have to admit, we should all be freaking out right now. After all this is the Soviet Union we're talking about," France calmly stated as a-matter-of-fact from out of nowhere.

" What the bloody hell are you doing here, you twit! Who let you bloody wanker in here?" England yelled.

" I need somewhere to hide too!" France pouted as he inched closer to the Brit, "If only if it weren't for that butchered hair I would be at peace." He put his hand out to play with the unfortunately horrified England's punk cut.

" I'll put you at peace! I'll send you to your Bloody Grave! Then you won't have to see my hair and I won't have to see your diabolic face ever again, Frog!"

He slapped away the hovering hand that was lurking lower than his chin. So much for catching up on 'The Three Musketeers'.

" But you know you'll miss my body, honhon!"

"…"

(Insert line)

Once again we meet our great and ignorant American within the comforts of his own homeland. Nothing like having Mickey D's for breakfast after a nice and painful chat with the President. After all, who isn't cheered up by the artificial lights and colorfully bright paint? In this case, America.

'How the hell am I going to keep this info away from that jacka$$ commie! Fu##! Even if the old man finds out, I'll be the laughing stock of the centur- Sh^^ no! I'm the Hero! And Heroes are never laughed at…Well then again, Spiderman was and even Superman, and also Batman, and then there's… Wait! What was I thinking about again?' America thought as gripped the innocent newspaper.

Meanwhile…

" HEY! STUPID AMERCA! IT MUST SUCK TO BE YOU! HAHAHA! Take this!"

Canada was being harassed by Cuba. Again. In his homeland. At his house. In his kitchen.

It's not like it was Cuba's fault they both look so Damn much alike! And it's not his fault one of them is his invisible ghost-like friend and the other is a gordo who swings their weight around. Disgusting!

"…. But I'm not America!"

" Don't you lie to me you grease monkey! I'll twist you in a bunch of knots! It will be easy!"

" Cuba! Remember the time you got caught with Bahamas and you…"

" Canada! Oh wow. Hey, sorry for … you know… I… well… hitting you. My rage makes me loco sometimes. Sorry. I'll get you some ice cream," Cuba said regretfully. It was just so hard to tell them apart. Maybe he should get Canada a collar or something. Even a tattoo!

Canada had never felt so awkward before. Sure there had been one time with England, that incident with France, and even miserable event with India. Yep. His life sucked. No questions about that. It's just a wonder no one else heard Cu- Wait? Was that someone yelling…'Britannia Fist!'

Across the world in the Soviet Union…

" Well, It's nice to see Amerika take after me. Even if it's for something as entertaining as this. Don't you think so Latvia?" Russia inquired with that creepy, fake smile plastered over his face while he held an American newspaper in his large hand.

" It certainly is bad for Mr. America and it seems that the newspapers are mocking you as well and it seems he's closing in on us in the race and America just might win, which would mean that you would no longer be in pow-" Latvia rambled on, leaning in too close for comfort to Russia by anyone who wasn't as blunt as him.

"LATVIA!" Estonia and Lithuania exclaimed to their horror right outside the open door of Russia's office.

So much for peace at home for them, too.

A/N: Took a long time to finally post this. Reasons you probably don't really care to read why : I've moved, lost Internet for like a month, lost all my data about this story, then found it, wrote it up, and gave it to you to read! Yeah…Moving on!

History Recap:

LiechLily14: Canada actually has done something! They have the record for world's largest Tin Soldier! Nice way to give off that pent up stress.

Redblackmood :England & France became nuclear states sometime after Russia. Since they now had the weapons, they were put in awkward positions with others demanding for help to get the WMD (Weapons of Mass Destruction). Only o=One Solution! Ignore and Hide.

Wolfster14:( December 1957) – The US speeded up its efforts to get its own satellite into orbit so much there was an unfortunate end at first. The rocket carrying the US satellite rose three feet off its launch pad-And toppled over in flames. Newspapers called it "Kaputnik", "Flopnik", and "Stayputnik". The next month the US successfully launched Explorer I. USA!


	4. Letters of WTF!

Letters of … What the F##k!

Disclaimer: If I owned this, Antartica would be represented by a penguin. Just kidding!

" Mr. America the mail is here," a White House worker stated as he handed the U.S. of A. today's mail.

Said country was busy at his desk scanning over last weeks findings about the Soviet Union from his brave, heroic spies. How he wished he could be there too. To stalk Ukraine, flee from Belarus, meet up with Lithuania and the other Baltic states, and beat the shizz out of that stupid a$$ commie- Russia. Of course that wasn't what his spies did, but IF he could…yeah.

" Thanks Bob. Leave it by my coffee, would you," America replied, not looking up for a second.

" Sure, Mr. America. But I think you should read this immediately." The man had an I-Can't-Get-Over-The-Fact-Of-How-Obsessed-You-Are-About-This look on his mug.

" Yeah, yeah. After this, ok?" Was the usual reply.

* Sigh * " Very well, sir." Bob swiftly turned around and power walked out of the office.

"Huh. Hey! Don't call me Mr. America! It makes me feel like an old man," he yelled when he finally looked up, " Hey. What's this …"

Sometime Earlier…

" China. How's the satellite? Did it burst into flames yet? Honhonhon," France smirked as he wrapped his arm around the Asian country's waist.

It was an unplanned and rather unwelcome visit for the oldest country. It wasn't much of anything out of the usual, well unless you count the creepy feeling of someone looking at you and it wasn't the smelly French man.

" I'll let you know when your on your deathbed, aru," he replied, removing the groping fingers that had by chance slide down to some lands he didn't want to discuss.

" Honhonhon, as long as your on top of it, no?"

SMACK!

" Oui! I'm seeing stars of once a night in which I had my way with a beautiful woman of twent-"

" I'm going seeing more red spreading across your face if you don't leave, aru! From the east to west, aru!"

Off to the corner was a little white polar bear.

" I wonder when I'll get to speak to him, eh. I need to know if he's considering becoming non-communist, eh. If he doesn't, I'll be putting up with all the stress of Communism spreading, then be blamed for not doing anything, when it should be America on the grill, not me, eh!"

All France and China heard was a slight squeak coming from the little bear's direction. They both exited the room swiftly because, what f****g bear squeaks!

Back to Our Main Programming….

" Privyet! Kto-"

" Listen up Commie! What the f****n' hell is wrong with your screwed up mind! You invited on of my people to your Damn Frozen Hell Hole you a$$! A f***n' child celebrity! What is your boss a pedo!"

Well, it definitely was Amerika.

" Amerika, what on Earth are you talking about?" Was all Russia could think to reply after hearing That warm welcome.

" Like you don't know Commie Ba$***d! I have a copy of a letter inviting on of my child stars' to go visit the F****n' Soviet Union."

Ah, da. I have a letter as well. Also, I have the copy of the letter in which your star mailed to my boss. Therefore, you are to blame for this, Amerika." He couldn't see him face to face but America was sure Russia was smiling that freaky smile of his over the phone.

" I-is that true Al, eh?" Oh, yeah. And Canadia was being the back up again.

" How the hell you have a copy and I don't!" Now America was sh** mad!

" It is not my fault your people are so unorganized. Hum. I look forward to seeing you again, Amerika. As we pass by, we'll wave 'hi' to you*.

-Click-

" Oh we'll see each other commie! Just you wait! I'll have the last wave! F***n' communist ba$****d!"

-Click-

And Canida was left on the line once again, wondering,_" What the H-E- double hockey sticks, just happened?"_

A/N : Yeah. Sorry. It's so long to post. School's bloody murder! Pardon the expression. The debate goes on and still no pairing compromises. Only one person has said anything so thanks 'laurab'! ^~^ We are considering it. Maybe a chap. Just for you! Anyone else, just review or message us about it. We are desperate!

Historical Notes: - In 1970 of April 24 , the People's Republic of China launched its first satellite, which kept transmitting a song, " The East is Red."

- April 25, 1983. Soviet leader Yuri V. Andropov invited Samantha Smith to visit his country after receiving a letter from the Manchester, Maine, schoolgirl. ( Child star has well.)

* 1959 In the Soviet Union during the famous debate between VP Nixon and SP Khrushchev at a trade fair in Moscow featuring American kitchens, Khrushchev said to Nixon :

" _This is what America is capable of, and how long has she existed? Three hundred years? One hundred fifty years of independence and this is her level. We haven't quite reached forty-two years, and in another seven years, we'll be at the level of America, and after that we'll go farther. As we pass you by, we'll wave 'hi' to you."_

It's funny how America's a boy in the series as well as Russia and yet both people say something like the song "God Bless America" saying "her" and the statement " Mother Russia."


End file.
